


What I Want

by anditwasjustathought



Series: Consonance [1]
Category: Steven Universe - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, implied past sexual abuse, sex is not described but story begins right as it ends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-15 03:26:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8040694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anditwasjustathought/pseuds/anditwasjustathought
Summary: Although Pearl hasn’t belonged to another gem for thousands of years, sometimes she still feels guilty for changing her mind or saying no.





	What I Want

**Author's Note:**

> Posting this first as it's the first thing I wrote, but it's either the second or third part in the series depending on if I need to split the introductory entry. Part of the "Consonance" series.

              Suddenly, there were tears blurring her vision. She hadn’t the slightest clue as to what could have triggered it. Nothing about her current situation–lying naked from the waist down on the kitchen counter completely of her own accord, Jasper’s face between her legs right where she wanted it, had genuinely and enthusiastically agreed to–even remotely pinged on the 'things that could possibly cause a minor meltdown' scale.

               Everything had been going fine. More than fine, it was _amazing_. Yet she suddenly felt too confined in her own body and completely disconnected from reality all at once, and the room was spinning uncontrollably while standing unnervingly still, and her hands went from firmly but gently gripping at her own hair to nearly clenching hard enough to pull it all right out, and though she couldn’t find her voice she felt like she wanted to _scream._

               "What’s wrong?“

               Pearl let out a quiet, startled gasp as she was pulled back into the real world, and it was only then that she realized she had been _shaking._ She wiped at her eyes, then took a deep breath to calm herself. "Nothing, it’s nothing. I’ll be fine in a minute.”

               "Are you sure about that?“ Her eyes were still glued to the ceiling, but she could easily imagine the skeptical and concerned look that Jasper must have had.

               "I’m positive,” she said, though the way her voice was trembling told an entirely different story. “Besides, I told you that I was ready. I suggested this. I can’t just go back on my word–”

               "Sit up.“

               "Hm?” She blinked a few times in surprise at the harsh tone before looking down her nose to where Jasper should have been, then glancing upwards. Somehow she had failed to notice it, but Jasper had risen to her feet, and her hands gripped the counter so hard that she was almost worried it would break.

               "I said _sit up._ “

               Pearl obeyed, albeit with an indignant look, fully prepared to lecture her on her unnecessarily demanding tone; however, Jasper didn’t give her the chance. She both looked and sounded…not quite angry, but something close to it. Shaken, maybe?

               "I want you listen, and listen _carefully_ ,” she said through gritted teeth while jabbing a finger at her chest, but not touching her. “It doesn’t matter what you told me. It doesn’t matter if you were _begging_ me for it. If you change your mind, if you want to back out, I don’t have the right to…no one has the right to–”

               It was Jasper’s turn to take a calming breath, and the tension in her shoulders eased just a bit, her expression suddenly softer. “I’m not interested in what you said you wanted. I only care about what you want _now._ ”

               Of course, that went without saying. Pearl knew that. Mutual, consistent consent was not a new idea to her at all. She’d yearned for it before she’d gained her freedom. She’d fought for it just as hard as she fought for everything else during the war. And Rose had been just as adamant about ensuring that Pearl never felt pressured to do anything, even things they’d done countless times before.

               But no matter how much time passed, no matter how much healing she thought she’d done, it seemed like the damage would never completely go away. She knew she had a voice now. She knew her partners, both current and previous, _wanted_ her to have a voice. Yet those same thoughts that had followed her since the day she came to be refused to fade.

                _I’m just a Pearl. I’m just a fancy toy. I’m just a plaything. I don’t have a choice. I_ can’t _have a choice._

“So? What do you want?” Again she was snapped out of a daze by Jasper’s voice. It was calmer now, almost gentle, and whatever had her on the edge of frustration before was gone, replaced with patience and concern. It was still strange, to hear that kind of softness from her. Strange, but nice, and it did wonders for Pearl’s nerves.

               "I want…" It still felt wrong to so much as think about saying it. It was like she was doing something inexcusable, unforgivable, and at the same time she was disgusted with herself for even feeling that way. She just barely managed to prevent her voice from cracking, though she couldn’t stop the tears that fell. “I want to stop.”

               "Then we’ll stop.“ Jasper leaned away from the counter to stand up straight, and reached over to wipe away her tears. After a few moments of heavy but calm silence, she mumbled so low that Pearl might not have heard it if she weren’t so close. "I wasn’t ‘unnecessarily aggressive given the situation’, was I?”

               Pearl let out a choked but genuine chuckle, leaning into the palm that was cupping her cheek. “A little, yes.”

               "Sorry.“

               "No, don’t be. I have to admit I needed to hear that, even if it was a touch intense.” She carefully pushed herself off of the counter, and stretched her back slightly before speaking again. “I’m going to go wash up.” Of course there was no real need to, but she found that the occasional cool shower was very helpful in the process of coming down from smaller emotional episodes. “Would you mind cleaning the counter for me?”

               "Not at all. I can take care of the dusting and sweeping, too.“

               "That would be much appreciated. Thank you.” Pearl smiled, tired but soft, and rose up on the balls of her feet to press their lips together. Or, she would have, if Jasper hadn’t hesitated and pulled away, leaving her with a very confused frown.

               "Wait a minute. I’ve got to ask.“

               "Uh. …Ask me what?”

               "Can I kiss you?“

               Pearl couldn’t help but break into a round of quiet chuckles, voice tinkling like wind chimes. It was a ridiculous question, given how they had both been going for it. Still it was touching that she had asked, and the deadly serious look and tone somehow made her giggle even more.

               Apparently that was exactly the intended effect, since Jasper looked _very_ pleased with herself. Pearl tapped her chin, pretending to be deep in thought over the question. "Hmm…I don’t know, _can_ you?”

               "You know what I meant.“

               Pearl chuckled again, and wiped away more tears from her eyes–tears that came from amusement, now. "Of course you can kiss me.”

               So she did.


End file.
